'Jurassic World: Rebirth' is a great case for extinction

I just got back from “Jurassic: Whichever One This Is” and I am stuck trying to answer a question: What are we even doing here?

There are seven of these things now, starting with “Jurassic Park,” the original, which was fun and a filmmaking breakthrough on the technical front by Steven Spielberg so breathtaking that everyone, including him, has chased that rush for six sequels.

No one has gotten there. At some point they stopped trying.

Now the franchise is a money-making machine, a recognizable brand like Taco Bell. You know you’re not getting gourmet cuisine. You’re going because you recognize the name and, who knows, maybe digesting it will be an adventure. And don’t forget the signature popcorn bucket.

What is ‘Jurassic World: Rebirth’ about?

The latest film, out in theaters on Wednesday, July 2, actually does have a name: “Jurassic World: Rebirth.” Gareth Edwards directs it and David Koepp, the screenwriter for “Jurassic Park,” returns to write this one. There are big stars: Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali, the latter of whom has won two supporting actor Oscars. There’s that whole myth that the supporting actor and actress winners can never pick a good project afterwards.

That makes it twice as disappointing that Ali is given so little to do here.

Johansson, on the other hand, has a lot to do. She plays Zora Bennett, a cheerful mercenary recruited by Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend), a Big Pharma guy who is friendly and persuasive and so obviously evil at his core that he might as well twirl his nonexistent mustache.

Krebs buys Zora’s participation (a 10 with six zeroes, as he puts it) in a dangerous and patently illegal scheme to extract body fluids from three dinosaurs — one that lives on land, one in the sea and one in the air.

Yes, dinosaurs. Remember them? The reason for all these movies?

‘Jurassic World: Rebirth’ takes place 5 years after ‘Jurassic World Dominion’

This film takes place five years after the events of “Jurassic World Dominion,” and the world has grown weary of the reanimated dinosaurs. Which, really? Anyway, now they live in a narrow band near the equator, a location also home to a research lab where hideous genetic hybrids are created in an attempt to juice the public interest. It is not a surprise that this goes awry, not for anyone who has ever been to a movie.

It is surprising that the engine of destruction is … a Snickers bar wrapper. Dude, could you really not wait till lunch?

The ruins of the lab are on an island where the action ends up. But first, Krebs also convinces Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey, no doubt as excited for his real-life paycheck as Zora is for her movie one), a scientist whose museum is suffering due to dinosaur fatigue, to tag along.

Zora recruits the requisite salty sea dog, Duncan (Ali), the captain of a boat, who we learn through just the bare minimum of character development (which is more than most of these characters get) is overcoming a personal tragedy. They add the services of other characters so obviously marked for death that they should be wearing “Star Trek” red shirts that say “Dinosaur Chow” on the back.

Scarlett Johansson and Jonathan Bailey start in “Jurassic World Rebirth,” opening in theaters Wednesday, July 2.

But wait, there’s more. While this group is out on the water looking for dinosaurs, Reuben (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), his daughters (Luna Blaise and Audrina Miranda), along with the oldest daughter’s annoyingly lazy boyfriend (David Iacono), are out on the high seas, despite this being a no-go zone.

Can you guess what happens? Did you guess that they would run into aquatic dinosaurs and get shipwrecked and be rescued by our motley crew of mercenaries and scientists? Congratulations! Maybe you can write the next sequel.

Despite being together for a bit, once they crash land on the island, the two groups separate, so Edwards bounces back and forth, back and forth between them.

So what about the dinosaurs? At times, it seems like the movie might be bored with them, too, but when they do show up, they show up big. Literally and figuratively — it is still really cool to see what it would look like with dinosaurs roaming around beautiful landscapes.

It’s also really cool to see ones that look like horrible monsters chasing people and occasionally catching them and eating them. Circle of life and all that. And truly, some of the scenes are genuinely exciting and thrilling.

‘Jurassic Park’ was a fun lark, not a masterpiece

As the late, sometimes-great “Premiere” magazine said when “Jurassic Park” came out, it’s why people go to the movies — to see things we haven’t seen before.

Hmm. How about a movie from a dinosaur’s perspective? Wait, you say, how could that be possible? We wouldn’t know enough about them as individual personalities to care about them.

Welcome to “Jurassic World: Rebirth.”

I understand that “Jurassic Park” was a formative experience for a lot of movie fans. It wasn’t that for me. To me, it was a Spielberg diversion, not a great film — it came out in 1993, the same year as another Spielberg movie you may have heard of: “Schindler’s List.”

I am all for fun movies. I am all for great directors having fun with fun movies. I am all for audiences loving fun movies and bonding with them. (Hello, “Caddyshack.”)

What I’m less thrilled about is bleeding a brand name dry when there are plenty of other movies to be made. There are a lot of interesting ideas out there. Whatever is going on with “Jurassic World: Rebirth” isn’t one of them.

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