The first rule for not getting caught in an apparent extramarital affair by a seven-time Grammy winner on a Jumbotron screen in front of 66,000-ish people is, of course, to not engage in an apparent extramarital affair that can then be called out by a seven-time Grammy winner on a Jumbotron screen in front of 66,000-ish people. That’s what happened to two people who appear to be top executives at Boston-area tech company Astronomer earlier this week when they were gleefully ribbed from the stage by a no-fucks-given Chris Martin, frontman of Coldplay.
Coldplay stopped in at Gillette Stadium on Tuesday as part of the band’s Music of the Spheres tour, where we would say that a Kiss Cam moment turned awkward, but when is a Kiss Cam moment not awkward? Things went from cheesy to yikes when a middle-aged man and woman were caught swaying in classic Reverse Prom Pose. The pair’s identity has not been officially confirmed, but online gumshoes have done what they do best: He appears to be Astronomer CEO Andy Byron, and she’s Astronomer Chief People Officer Kristin Cabot (notably the only woman listed among leadership on the company’s website), with key guest star Astronomer VP of Human Resources Alyssa Stoddard. Byron is married to someone, but it’s not Cabot, with whom he was canoodling.
The group had varied panicked reactions: Cabot quickly turned her back on the camera, and Stoddard, standing beside the pair, donned a frozen grin for the ages. It’s Byron who really cheezed the whiz on this one, oh-so-slooooooowly dropping to the ground and disappearing from frame inch by baby blue golf polo shirt-clad inch as Martin, from the stage, narrated the drama, as captured in a TikTok by concertgoer Grace Springer: “Oooh, look at these two! Alright, come on, you’re okay. Uh-oh, what? Either they’re having an affair, or they’re just very shy.”
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Springer told The Sun that she posted the clip because she thought it was an “interesting reaction” to seeing yourself on the screen.
“A part of me feels bad for turning these people’s lives upside down, but play stupid games… win stupid prizes,” she said.
They say lightning doesn’t strike twice, but in case you’re still looking to enjoy some throwback stadium hits with your secret boo-bear without getting outed by surprise omniscient narrator Chris Martin, please refer to the following employee handbook for guidance on best practices for canoodling with coworkers.
1. (Don’t) Dress the Part
If you simply must have date night with your Work Not-Wife, make an effort to ditch the corporate drag. The solution is obvious: Stock up on those mustache-glasses disguises—nobody’s gonna know! How would they know! Or take a cue from Leonardo DiCaprio at the Bezos-Sánchez wedding and pull a baseball cap over your whole-ass face. Presumably, you are not the beloved star of Titanic, and the effect would be inconspicuous. Who’s under that brim? Who actually cares.
2. Choose Your Fighters
If you decide to make your HR Number Two your apparent extramarital affair wingman and third wheel, make sure you have a game plan better than “drop like a rock and thus wordlessly confirm your affair louder than Jason DeRulo introducing himself” going into it. Stoddard certainly appears to be in the know and third-wheeling it, and somehow, her hand shielding one side of her face while she does a sweatdrop-smiling emoji impression is not much (any) separation between her and her bosses. Whether this was a work outing and the crew all commuted by yacht from the office together or not, there is such a thing as subtlety, and this ain’t it.
3. Opt for the Cheap Seats
It’s time to be a baller on a budget. A luxury suite, guys? Was the food and beverage included, at least? Were those room-temperature mozzarella sticks worth it?
Astronomer has been valued at over $1 billion, and self-describes on its website as “the company behind Astro, the industry-leading data orchestration and observability platform.” What does that mean? You know what, I don’t actually care. Don’t explain, I beg you. These folks sound rich-rich, is what we need to know here.
The best place to hide a tree is in a forest: If you want to be an everyman who’s not about to be dragged on Chris Martin’s internet for appearing to step out on your marriage, then it’s time to let that suite life go, with apologies to Zack and Cody both.
4. Use Social Media to Your Advantage
The internet is forever, as our antiheroes have learned. Byron appears to have deleted his LinkedIn profile, and according to Newsweek, his wife, Megan Kerrigan Byron, first removed her husband’s last name from her display name on Facebook, then deleted her account altogether. It’s gonna be a real pain logging into GrubHub or whatever without Facebook, but it is what it is. Cabot also appears to have deleted her LinkedIn profile, where screenshots show that the first “area of expertise” she listed in her bio was “employee engagement,” with “HR best practices” further on. Another skill she touts that may come in handy? “Leadership transitions.”
