Let’s get one thing clear: What you’re about to read is not a review of “Happy Gilmore 2.” Gun to head, if you forced me to call it good or bad, I would say, “it’s hard to judge a movie that is basically just a collection of cameos, references, and fan service trading on 29-year-old nostalgia” and then I would say, “actually, no it’s not hard to judge, this movie was bad.” However, there were a few moments that earned a chuckle, and anytime you tell me, a golf writer, that a slew of professionals will attempt to do comedic acting, I am very much on board to watch the whole thing.
And what’s remarkable here is that for such a lazy movie, pretty much every golfer was at least “fine,” and many were legitimately solid. So now, because Golf Digest is a golf publication, we’re proud to bring you a definitive categorization of all 22 golfers who appeared in this move. This is what they brought to the table, grouped by tiers from most basic to most spectacular.
(Note: This post contains nothing but spoilers.)
Tier 1: Just sat there
Keegan Bradley
Keegan Bradley just sat there at the dinner scene. He was fine at sitting. By my reckoning, he’s the only player who appears and doesn’t speak, so I couldn’t help but wonder if they gave him a line and he completely whiffed.
Tier 2: Had one very pointless chat
Bubba Watson
I defy you to describe his role any other way. He just stands there and exchanges pleasantries with Happy at one point. He’s not bad at it or anything—he does pretty well in a brief scene—but it feels very much like someone had to write a role for Bubba Watson, and was under strict instructions not to make it weird. It’s a shame, because this man once did a music video in overalls. I feel he had more in him.
Tier 3: Old guys with one very basic line
Nick Faldo, Corey Pavin
These guys have the same role, where Happy Gilmore asks them if they’re going to play in the Tour Championship, and they say no, we’re too old. I have no idea why they’re in the film, and it would be exactly the same without them, but what the hell, they delivered their very basic line competently. Lunchpail journeyman performance from both guys.
Tier 4: Underused Straight Men
Rory McIlroy, Brooks Koepka
These are two of the five players competing in the competition that makes up the dreadful last half hour of the movie, and neither really gets much to chew on in comparison to the two guys coming later, although Rory does get his nipples twisted, and seems to be only pretending to be upset by it while secretly enjoying it (note: this is only my read, I can’t speak for the intent of the writers or directors or Rory’s own intentions). They’re both pretty good, but I wanted them to get a little weirder.
Tier 5: Underused Fanboy
Justin Thomas
It doesn’t surprise me at all that Thomas showed some acting chops on the tee with Happy, but it did surprise me that they only real role they gave him was to say how much he liked Gilmore and take a photo. Give the guy something to do! It’s like the movie is stuck in that era when Thomas was only Jordan Spieth’s friend.
Tier 6: Can’t Stop Giggling Guy
Rickie Fowler
They kinda made Rickie the straight man here for a player to be named later, existing largely to disapprove of a recurring joke, but in every shot he’s either on the verge of breaking out in laughter, or pretty much already doing it. You can tell the whole atmosphere is just too much for him, but he hangs on to deliver a solid joke at the end.
Tier 7: Serious, possibly empathetic doctor
Nancy Lopez
Without a lot of script to chew on, Lopez convinced me both that she was a tender-hearted but hard-nosed doctor, and also that she loves Benihana.
Tier 8: Bored, slightly menacing doctor
Nelly Korda
I watched Korda closely the second time I went through her cameo in that same scene, as a doctor at the loony bin where Shooter McGavin lives, and for most of it, she seems to be staring off camera just begging the whole thing to be over. But then it’s her turn to speak, and she immediately and convincingly needles McGavin into a full mental breakdown. And once she gets it, she goes right back to boredom, like she can’t even enjoy it! It’s a spine-tingling performance, and I feel like she could nail a younger Nurse Ratched if they ever did a Cuckoo’s Nest remake.
Tier 9: Mr. Gravitas
Jack Nicklaus
I could have used a lot more Jack here. He had one OK joke about drinking an Arnold Palmer, but I think his serious work stood out. He almost served as Happy’s conscience during the dinner scene, but he was right there at his side, like an old king trying to do what he could for the returning warrior. Very believable, lot of character. Jack can act.
Tier 10: “I grind them in my apple sauce”
Lee Trevino
This is one of only two lines Trevino gets, referring to the aspirin he takes before playing, and I can’t begin to describe the cadence of it. It almost sounds like he’s doing a baby voice? I listened to it a few times in a row to try to land on a better description, but that was frankly too many times and it only made me more confused.
Tier 11: Happy Hype Man
Collin Morikawa
Morikawa had two main jobs, the first of which was to get absolutely psyched about defeating LIV Golf—or whatever they called it in the movie—and that entailed banging on the table and riling up the troops. He nailed it! He seemed very pleased to have something to care about! Then he got lit up and pile-drived by Travis Kelce, which was an easier acting job, but no less proficient. Really good work in a limited role.
Tier 12: Invisible Swing Double
Hunter Mahan
Halfway through the movie, I found myself thinking, “how is Adam Sandler looking this fluid on his swing? Dude is like 60.” And then I found out that none other than Hunter Mahan was his stunt double. Very impressive, especially because at 43, Hunter Mahan is no spring chicken himself. That’s a limber fella!
Tier 13: The Unexpected Genius
Scottie Scheffler
I swear Scheffler went through his exact career trajectory in his role on this film. He starts out and he’s pretty good, there are a few iffy line readings, but he won’t go away, the film takes a chance on him, and before you know it, the dude is absolutely killing it and does his best to save the dumbest sequence in the whole movie with a tremendous bit where he gets arrested again. This guy sneaks up on you, and all the sudden you can’t live without him!
Tier 14: Facial Expression Master
Xander Schauffele
Schauffele’s dialogue is a mid-level gag—the guy who says “that’s what she said” out of context—and that’s fine as far as it goes, but my God, this man’s facial acting was superb. It starts the first time he delivers the line, and looks over to Fowler, very pleased with himself. When Fowler tells him it doesn’t make sense, the way his face instantly drops is a masterclass. This man could be a mime. Later, he and Spieth exchange great scandalized faces upon learning of a fart, and finally, the third time he does the “that’s what she said” joke, he unleashes an eyebrow waggle on Rickie that just sings. Beautiful silent stuff from X-Man.
Tier 15: The Single Weirdest Line
Bryson DeChambeau
Bryson is a little nondescript for most of his pretty substantial screen time, right up until the moment when the woman on the other tour twists Rory’s nipples, at which point he says (and if you haven’t seen the movie, I swear I’m not making it up), “hey, don’t twist my boy’s titties. Those are my titties.” It’s the wildest, most shocking line in the entire script, and I’m still laughing on my 20th rewatch. There’s so much to dive into there—how did Rory’s people OK this!—but I actually prefer to stay right here on the surface. The subtext is going to be too much for me.
Tier 16: I’m Not Sure He Was Acting
John Daly
John Daly is very good in this film as Gilmore’s … brother? Some guy he just calls “brother”? … and who drinks lots of hand sanitizer, but he’s so uncanny as the slacker who’s always hanging around that I simply can’t believe he could pull it off from an actual script. The only explanation here is that Adam Sandler just kept inviting him over to “hang,” and Daly was just being himself, never quite understanding he was in a movie. It’s that naturalistic. Hats off to JD, and if this was a real performance, tee him up for the remake of “The Big Lebowski” in the starring role.
Tier 17: The Gin Snob
Jordan Spieth
Why they cast Spieth, seemingly one of the most down-to-earth guys on tour, as the player who acts like a dick to the bus boy because they gave him the wrong gin (Bombay instead of Tanqueray), I will never know. But he actually nailed it—it’s one of the best and most believable performances of the entire cameo onslaught. He pulled it off so well, particularly with the WASP-y condescension in the voice, that now I’m wondering if he actually is a snob.
Tier 18: Dessert Creep
Fred Couples
With some very insinuating tones, Fred Couples serves a role nobody asked for, but that we desperately needed: A weirdo trying to eat other people’s blueberry jubilee desserts. The way he asks for Happy’s dessert will both make you amused and distressed, and that’s thanks to his famous natural charisma offsetting the disturbing nature of the role. There’s a certain perverse quality to his coveting of sweets, yet somehow equally engaging, and I don’t think I’ll stop thinking about it for days.
Tier 19: The Breakout Star
Will Zalatoris
It was an absolute and probably obvious slam dunk to cast Zalatoris as the grown-up version of the caddie Gilmore choked in the first movie—this joke has been going around online for a while—but what nobody could have expected is that his comedic acting chops would be so damn good. They gave him two or three great lines, and his delivery on all of them showed an intuitive understanding of timing. Was it impossible not to notice that he sounds exactly like Owen Wilson? Sure. But frankly, Owen Wilson had his chance to plant his flag in the golf comedy world, but his show is a steaming pile. The way Zalatoris transformed from happy-go-lucky demeanor to pissed off vengeful villain was just too good … a better movie would have developed that character more and given him a bit of a payoff at the end.
Tier 20: The Badass Boss Bird
Charley Hull
This will be controversial, but frankly I don’t care. The best cameo of the entire movie came from Charley Hull, who’s on camera for like three seconds, but in that time, calls a man a “big pork chop” and gets called a “fine-ass English hillbilly” in return. I don’t even know why she’s pissed off, or what her relationship to anyone is, but in the space of one line she establishes not just a character, but an entire universe. She’s scary, but in the best way. And while it’s totally puzzling why she’s there at all, I’m so glad she is. [British soccer announcer voice] IT’S MAGISTERIALLL!
