At first glance, the names read like a music festival lineup we’re far too old for. Mandaloun, Mage, American Pharoah. Mystik Dan?!

These are not new bands, rappers, synth-pop indie darlings or … whatever else we’re doing these days. These are the winners of a sport’s most prestigious competition.

This year’s Kentucky Derby is the 151st all-time running of the roses. It’s an event that has persisted through multiple world wars and 30 U.S. presidencies. It’s also an event with champions named I’ll Have Another (2012), Smarty Jones (2004), Spend A Buck (1985) and Foolish Pleasure (1975).

The hopefuls in the running for 2025 have some rather strange names. Accordingly, here’s our ultra-scientific ranking of the field, which had its post-position draw on Saturday. No wrong answers here, as it’s a matter of taste and humor, but let us know which names are over- or underrated in the comments below.

1. Journalism

It’s what’s happening right here, folks! This correspondent even got a college degree in it. Why is there a horse named Journalism? Does a horse have to fact-check its work or clear sources? Working theory: Jockey Umberto Rispoli loves “All the President’s Men.”

2. Publisher

In which Penguin Random House becomes Pony Random House. Fear not, the rest of these entrants have nothing to do with the printing press.

3. Render Judgment

This sounds like a 1980s Sylvester Stallone movie that wilted in the editing room. It probably had an awesome blues harmonica motif that played throughout the fight scenes. “Time to render judgment!” could be the main character’s triumphant catchphrase. We’d like to think that this horse, affectionately known as “Rendy” by close horse friends, is one of the most open-minded and least judgmental horses of all time.

4. Final Gambit

Another action movie franchise just waiting to happen. Here’s to the green-lighting of Final Gambit 3: All Bets Are Off, starring Kurt Russell, or perhaps a second season of “The Queen’s Gambit.” No, that’s asking for too much.

5. Neoequos

Alternatively, this one sounds like a shadowy villain-boss from some ’90s sci-fi series.

6. Chunk of Gold

We’re absolutely, unequivocally here for a physical competitor named “chunk.” More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Faster than a speeding Chunk!

7. Coal Battle

What could the Coal Battle be? Is rock-fight basketball on the NBA’s Christmas Day program? Is it the annual rivalry game between Appalachian powerhouses? Is it a battle from within? Is there a rendering of judgment in the coal community?

8. Sandman

We can hear this horse whinnying about “Chalamet!” from the comfort of its wrinkled hoodie. “Exit light, enter night.”

9. Baeza (alternate)

Named after Spain’s municipality and World Heritage Site. Truthfully, any Spanish province makes for a cool-sounding name.

10. Admire Daytona

Notice how the prior entry is without a directive. Our attention is called to Baeza, but what are we doing about it? Owner Junko Kondo informs us of the expectations. We don’t have to visit Daytona, just show some appreciation from a distance.

11. Rodriguez

The namesake is Sixto Rodriguez, but Rodriguez also evokes the man with 696 MLB home runs and one (1) breakup with Jennifer Lopez. Did we know that A-Rod once tried to compliment J-Lo by calling her an “octopus threat?” Well, we know now.

12-13. Maps tier: Burnham Square, East Avenue

Check traffic before heading over there. Trash and recycling go out on Thursdays.

14. Sovereignty

Sounds more like the name of an off-roading sports utility vehicle. Matthew McConaughey delivers a somber monologue before the sped-up voice discusses special financing options for well-qualified buyers.

15. American Promise

We’ll choose to avoid the endless run of political jokes-turned-arguments and say it’s a silly name for a horse.

16-18. Bad mashups tier: Flying Mohawk, Citizen Bull, Owen Almighty

None of these are hitting, though Owen Almighty could clear the track with the flick of a hoof.

19. Luxor Cafe

Is this just the title sponsorship for a local eatery? Is it located in Burnham Square or on East Avenue? Does it validate parking? Naming an entrant after a small business feels like a Little League baseball move. Search results for Luxor Cafe lead us to a coffee spot in Harvard Yard. The hot honey turkey sandwich does sound good, for what it’s worth.

20. Grande

Presumably one of the latte sizes offered at Luxor Cafe.

21. Tiztastic

What was the intention here? Tiztastic has a sizable ownership list (Winchell Thoroughbreds LLC, plus three individuals), and none of them clocked that “-tastic” isn’t a suffix? Or that “fan” and “tiz” do not rhyme? Our poorly-named protagonist here was sired by a racehorse named Tiz the Law. Consider what was left on the table:

• The Tizard of Oz
• Tizzler on the Roof
• Tizery Business
• Tiz & Hers
• Tizzy Gillespie
• Queen Tizabeth II of House Windsor
• Tizter Tizter

We mourn what could have been. Godspeed, Tiz Jr.

(Illustrations by Dan Goldfarb; all photos by Andy Lyons / Getty Images)