We have a scientific term for what’s going on with Wednesday’s black tears: It’s called “psychic exhaustion.” According to Morticia, “That’s what happens when you abuse your gift.” I’m into this! Finally, a part of this magical world that follows some clear guidelines, where actions have consequences and so on. Gives us some real stakes, you know?
I did not care about the Goody stuff last season, and I assume we’re just waiting around for Ophelia (Catherine Zeta-Jones in a terrible wig?) to pop up and be Wednesday’s new spirit guide. But I am really enjoying the whole Morticia-Wednesday dynamic, especially when we see that even Morticia is not too otherworldly to pull the most mom card of them all by telling her daughter (paraphrasing only slightly), “Well, someday I’ll be dead and then you can do whatever you want!”
Wednesday has Lurch give her a ride to Galpin’s house, which has been vandalized by neighbors who know Tyler is a murderous psychopath. She’s hoping Galpin will help her solve all the mysteries involving this one-eyed crow, but instead she finds a no-eyed Galpin, dead and somehow full of murderous crows that fly out of his mouth?! Scary. “Murdered by a murder of crows,” Wednesday says, plucking the lowest-hanging fruit from the wordplay tree. She ignores her mother’s warning about abusing her power and attempts to have a vision on command. All she gets is static before the cops barge in and arrest her.
Turns out Carl the PI also had his eyes pecked out by the murder crows. Also: Galpin’s cell phone is missing. Wednesday was found in quite the compromising position, and the new sheriff is suspicious. I’m surprised that Wednesday, who is oh-so-savvy in many ways, doesn’t realize how dumb it is to talk to the cops without a lawyer. Also, Wednesday is a minor, right? So is this even kosher? Before I can complain about this for too long, Gomez arrives as both father and lawyer to take his daughter home. In the car, he tells Wednesday there’s no need to let Morticia know about this. Interesting moment of father-daughter solidarity! Gomez tells Wednesday that Morticia will be staying on campus; asked by his daughter what happened to Aunt Ophelia, he will only say that it’s not his story to tell.
Pugsley has stashed his Clockwork Boy in the Hummers shed. Although his sister is fluent in all things classic literature, it would appear Pugsley either did not read or did not internalize the moral of Frankenstein, for he believes he has created “a pet and a best friend!” whom he can keep chained up by the neck in the Hummers shed indefinitely. (In the interest of full recapper disclosure, I thought I’d read Frankenstein as a child, but when I went to reread it in adulthood I realized I had actually only read the Wishbone edition; did you know the grown-up Frankenstein is as much a book about a guy who is in love with his sister as it was about the dangers of reanimating corpse parts??) Eugene is less convinced of the wisdom of this endeavor, and his idea for nourishing the Clockwork Boy — feeding him honey — is projectile-vomited back in his face. Pugs is delighted. He names his Clockwork Boy SLURP. Slurp’s chains hardly seem strong enough to hold him, and by the middle of this episode he frees himself from the shed.
Wednesday reports to Thing that “in my last vision, Enid dies and it’s all my fault.” Of course we the audience already know this because that’s how the last episode ended and how this episode began; I am reminded of that great n+1 article about how writers on Netflix shows are always getting notes on their scripts saying they have to show and tell and tell one more time so people who aren’t really watching but have Netflix on in the background can still follow along. Unfortunately for those of us watching these shows incorrectly — that is, actually watching them — this means we have to hear the same piece of information five times in ten minutes.
Back at the dorm, Wednesday finds Enid looking very dead because it’s Prank Day, an annual Nevermore tradition that, conveniently, Wednesday wasn’t here for last year. Enid assumed Wednesday knew enough about it to leave a “fake” eyeball on her pillow … oof, poor Enid. If only Nevermore were really in New Jersey; then they could have Mischief Night, which I think these kids would really appreciate! In other news, Wednesday’s stalker got their hands on Galpin’s cell phone and is using the number to text Enid. Enid doesn’t have time for dead bodies right now; she is taking her driving lesson. (Loved her little quip about how “not all of us have chauffeurs.” Reminds me that there is much left to be explored re: Bianca the scholarship student and Wednesday the rich girl on campus.)
As the students pull pranks, I must ask: How on earth does Nevermore keep these kids in check on a regular basis? All these teens with superpowers and I’m to believe they just … don’t use their powers constantly to cause havoc whenever they feel like it? Sure, the Sirens have to wear those amulets (it’s not really clear if the amulets are required or if they’re all just doing it to prove they aren’t brainwashing everyone all of the time), but what about everybody else?
Wednesday runs into Principal Dort and Dr. Orloff (Christopher Lloyd as a head in a jar). Dort claims he loved seeing her torch the portrait because defiance is what being an Outcast is all about. Wednesday learns from Orloff that the type of Outcast who can control birds is an Avian, and there hasn’t been one at Nevermore in at least a decade. I could’ve sworn last season we were told that there were only four types of Outcasts, but now, conveniently, there are endless types and some are just, as Wednesday describes them, “underrepresented.” We are building this world on the fly, everybody!
Morticia has remade the gardener’s cottage in her image. Bianca is here with those eerie blue eyes that make you think about how genes are passed down from parents to offspring, determining traits like hair color, personality, and even eye color. She has a list of potential donors with Morticia’s mom at the top, but — like mother, like daughter — Morticia doesn’t want to have anything to do with her mom!
Wednesday swipes Enid’s driver’s-ed consent form to sneak off to visit Tyler at Willow Hill Psychiatric Hospital. She already knows how to drive from her years of running the getaway car for Uncle Fester. This poor normie instructor is not prepared for his charge to cut the passenger-side brakes and say, “I’m the captain now.” (Kind of a dated reference for her, no?) Upon arrival, she learns that Tyler has his share of fangirls who are “hot for Hyde.” After a quick meeting with Judi (Heather Matarazzo of The Princess Diaries fame), Wednesday meets Dr. Fairburn (Thandiwe Newton), chief psychiatrist. Technically an expert on Outcast mental health, Dr. Fairburn is, alas, a normie, but at least she’s one in a chic jumpsuit. Dr. Fairburn could use Wednesday’s help, as Tyler is proving to be particularly uncooperative; she’s ready to be “unorthodox.” (Thornhill is in a separate facility still denying she’s Tyler’s master.)
Wednesday comes face-to-face with Tyler, who is chained to the wall by the wrists and has an electric-shock collar on his neck. Of course he is shirtless. Gotta keep those fangirls happy! Wednesday tells Tyler that his father was murdered; Tyler’s response is to threaten to kill Enid the next time he sees her and to insist that he and Wednesday belong together because they’re both monsters. Sort of your classic “you and I aren’t so different” villain maneuver, and Wednesday does not fall for it, instead dismissing Tyler as totally average and forgettable: “Your fleeting moment of notoriety will fade quicker than your generic looks.” Perfect eyebrow raise by Wednesday on the way out.
While Wednesday is on this unsanctioned field trip, Morticia and Thing have a falling out of their own. Morticia reams Thing out for failing to be loyal to her and Gomez; Thing is tired of being treated like a servant. A great montage of Thing abuse by the entitled Addamses plays. In the end, Thing lets Morticia take Goody’s book of spells.
Later, Enid and Bruno go back to her room to “study.” Enid finds a gift for Thing on the floor: It’s from Uncle Fester, because it’s Thing’s birthday. And everyone else forgot! (Love the shot of Thing surrounded by empty mini-bottles of liquor.) Enid is appalled at this brutal treatment of Thing and crowns him an honorary wolf-pack member. But before anyone can celebrate properly, Thing gets locked in his trunk and Enid and Bruno’s bodies go thud against the floor.
Bianca reports back to Principal Dort that Morticia and her mother are estranged. Dort, however, says Hester Frump is “the linchpin” of this whole fundraising operation. Who knew Nevermore was in such dire financial straits? Dort orders Bianca to “siren song” Morticia; he is, naturally, impervious to being siren-songed himself, because of a magical knickknack he picked up that contains Corinthian coral. That night, Bianca does as she is voluntold to do. I don’t understand why she literally breaks the necklace every time she takes it off?? Does she have to repair the clasp every single time? Anyway, she siren-songs Morticia, so it looks like Hester Frump is coming to town!
Wednesday returns to her dorm to discover that her stalker trapped Thing and kidnapped Enid and Bruno. She has 30 minutes to solve this puzzle or Enid is dead. All things considered, being kidnapped goes pretty great for our wolf girl, who is chained to her crush and ends up making out with him on the floor after they bond over being late bloomers. Their kidnapper has them in the abandoned Iago Tower (possibly an Aunt Ophelia connection there, you think? Or just one in the endless mishmash of literary references in the series?) beneath a looming board of daggers pointing down at them from above.
Credit where it’s due to the stalker: The riddles were fun! “Play Dead” on a note above a heart meaning “play the chord D-E-A-D on the organ” and then the chord opens a secret door — nice! I also loved how, in the stacks-of-literary-classics puzzle, the stalker included all the Baby-Sitters Club books and that Enid knows exactly how many installments there are (131, unless you’re counting the graphic novels). Wednesday saves the day in the nick of time, as is her wont, and the stalker reveals herself to be that wide-eyed redhead girl, Wednesday’s No. 1 fan! Who can also turn herself invisible!
Did this 13-year-old girl murder Galpin? No, but she did steal Wednesday’s novel and hide it in the pyre, and she also snagged Galpin’s phone. She says she just wants to be Wednesday’s friend. Enid calls her a wannabe.
Back at the dorm, Wednesday — in a very cute hanging-at-home ensemble — apologizes to Thing for forgetting his birthday. Her gift is an antique thumbscrew; she even offers up her own thumbs! Thing fesses up about letting Morticia take Goody’s book. A one-eyed crow watches this whole conversation. Probably nothing to worry about!
Gabe Packard, the driving instructor, is in the middle of resigning from teaching these Outcast kids when he I Know What You Did Last Summers Slurp, who was wandering the grounds of Nevermore alone. He gets out of the car and meets his demise, for Slurp unhinges his jaw to maul and devour poor Gabe to death. Well, at least now we know what he likes to eat.
